My phone likes to constantly remind me of jobs I didn't get or the ones I really wanted but never got round to chasing. Notifications light up the bedroom in the middle of the night and the 'Mrs' quietly leans over and whispers "turn that fucking thing off!". My thumb scrolls through hundreds of pictures that get my mind questioning the ability to take a photo, "You could never do that!", "He always takes better pictures than you", "He has a Leica, you can't even buy a shitty McDonald's without panicking the bank manager will find out"... Is this what technology has done to me - endless bullying of notifications! Surely I am not the only one that goes through this, or am I!?!
I know what you are thinking, "turn off notifications!". What will happen next? I will actively seek out other peoples work and their latest news! My phone will look at me in disgust, "I could have told you you were shit without having to search for it yourself"
Luckily, recent conversations with like minded souls have enlightened me to the fact that they too go through the same experience - thank god! So why do we put ourselves through it? Is it a natural progression to allow yourself to question your skills? Is this what we need to move forward?
As a society we are built to impress - we naturally judge someone by how many followers they have on Instagram or how many likes their brand spanking new sunset picture achieved (that reminds me, I must post one of them soon to feed my ego!). We create circles of importance, building an army of people we seek to impress and allow ourselves to compare our work to a self selected set of individuals! They did not ask you to follow them and they did not set out to impact levels of self belief - they were merely working hard to impress their own magic circle. If you woke up tomorrow and everyone had gone but the world worked as usual what would you do? The chances are (after you have freaked the fuck out and checked for zombies) you would move into the million pound house, drive around in the latest super car; while dressed in a silk dressing gown sipping champagne...but for what? You would quickly become bored, there is no one to impress! They say (whoever the hell they are) you would revert to a simple way of living, only owning what you needed. A small house, a few bits and pieces and probably begin to wish everyone would reappear !
Our work is critically judged by ourselves and will usually influence our feelings but we don't have to panic so much. So what if Mr Photographer keeps getting that dream gig and you don't, who gives a fuck if their 10 second stories paint a world that only you can dream of. The chances are they are doing exactly the same as you but within a different mind made circle.
Why am I so shit? I'm probably not half as shit as I think...or am I ?!?